imma finish chaucer. but i know i'm not doing enough. prasad has done more. argh. i feel so guilty. we were supposed to work hard together.

so today. i WILL finish chaucer and microecon. TOMORROW will be on macro economics and much ado about nothing cuz i'm kinda betting on that one since my silas marner is an eternal D grade. hah. ok... and a LITTLE RGAD. just a read thru sorta thing... i realised for my SEA, i still have lots to go.
ok. lemme plan this out.

saturday:
9-12 microeconomics.
12-2 much ado
2-3.30+++ macroeconomics. Macro, NatYacct, Y&N, Int.Trade... something like that? and hopefully a little bit of Macroprobs and Govt.
then it will be freaking sunday!
9-1 macroeconomics(essay qns)
1-4 GP paper
4-7 economics
monday... grrr. GOTTA REACH SCHOOL BY 12!
8-10 review. review. review!
i should be done with econs by then. god. bless me. please. please. please. if i can cross this. please. and then gp. i really hope i can pull at least a 5... i mean. B'd be ideal. please. please. please. *winces*
Friday, November 7, 2003 06:54 p.m.

i've been trying to suppress my anxiousness for some pretty long time. haven't been blogging as well. maybe i should. it makes me feel better. and more motivated. so guess why i'm here. hur.
exams are next week. that's it. i either do or die. that's what my brother said. i'm done i'll say. done! i should be mugging now. ok ok. aight. i'll be gone by 3:45 and study till tonight. i CAN finish micro econ today. i CAN. and i will start on macro. yes. i should.
have been neglecting lit. which is dumb. cuz it's supposed to be my better. and i should work on it. but. hey. i'm not doing much for any other subject anyway. so. ahhhhh.
took some pictures... when i was studying. yeah. imma get my own gallery soon. as in. on my own subdomain thingie. not something that hangs on me time and again. ok. will arrange the pics and post em up here. add me on myspace or friendster my lovelies! hungforbitchery@yahoo.com
aight.




Wednesday, November 5, 2003 03:21 p.m.

i'm only starting my 'A's revision now. hah. how fun, right?
i know i'm courting death. but... time passed is past. so. i can't possibly do anything about the wasted time.
so i shall do what i can. and will. i hope.
somehow. the thought of failing 'A's hit me hard. i realised i really didn't want to fail. and divine intervention can only help me that much. i can't possibly rely on talisman and incense to get me a place in the uni.
they'll still want a certain level of grades.
i cooked some cereal, made some coffee. ready to go. the cereal reminds me of furmity. hah. hmmm... and i was looking for raisins...
aight. i shall study now. =D
god bless me.
coffee's better than sleep.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003 01:05 p.m.

a: you've got to do something.
b: fuck it.
a: this is not the way to live.
b: do you care?
a: i have.
b: you hadn't.
a: there's no use looking at the past. grab hold of now.
b: what exactly does "now" mean to you.
a: working for a future.
b: so "now" doesn't have its own purpose; it's just a stepping stone between yesterday and tomorrow.
a: you're getting neurotic.
b: more neurotic.
a: whatever.
b: ah. delusion.
a: can't we ever agree?
b: you can try to agree with me for a start.
a: why can't you try first.
b: i've already been trying to entertain you. why don't you share the load.
a: i'm doing all this for your own good.
b: surprise, surprise.
a stands up, infuriated. b follows.
a: can you stop being such a slum?
b: can you stop bring such a bother?
a: i can't.
b: slut.
b returns to her seat.
a: hey. what's that supposed to mean.
b: i don't know. i thought it was derogatory, so i used it.
a: i'm going to leave you alone now. die on your own.
b: yes. i shall die in peace.
a: you're beyond hope.
b: and hope is beyond you.
a: fine.
b: you're not giving up yet?
a: guess not.
b: you fear i can't get into a uni?
a: yeah.
b: i fear that too.
a and b hugs each other.
don't leave.
a: alright. start studying?
b: no way.
a: so you're making me quarrel with you for nothing again?
b: i guess so... i love wasting time.
a: when will you ever grow up?!
b: when will we ever grow up?,
a: yeah. we're not helping each other.
b: when i die.
a: can you stop saying things like that.
b: let's die together.
a: crazy.
b: fine.
a and b cries
a: let's reconcile.
b: ok. i'll start tomorrow.
a: it's the last chance.
b: motivate me.
a: fuck.
b: that's a good idea.
a: yeah.
b: i like you better than the rest of the world.
a: so you were being a hypocrite when you said "screw the world".
b: yes... i love you, a. you know.
a: i know. you love me for the chances i give you.
b: yeah. others just don't.
a: you know why, don't you.
b: no.
a: i guess this is why.
b: oh...
a: yeah. ok. i'm tired of this. study tomorrow alright.
b: ok. weee. i shall study tonight. alright. for you bring so kind to me.
a: you must realise. you HAVE to get into a uni. cuz if you don't, i can't as well.
b: ok.
a: be responsible to yourself.
b: ok.
a: you and me.
b: ok.
a: man i think they'll think we're mad talking to each other like that.
b: no. jo's the one who'll appear bonkers.
a: yeah. but i bet she's having fun.

Sunday, October 26, 2003 04:55 p.m.

this was what that was lost. eeek.



haven't been updating much, i know. feeling. bad. i'll come here when i feel better. and. i don't look like the pictures i take. yeah. someone commented. and i thought. yeah. that's what you get when you have a digi cam and you get to take flawless pics of yourself. i'm much uglier than the pics. fuck. i'm back to where i were. why am i getting so low...
eeeeeek.

i hate this. i can't find my fuji finepix installer and all that crap. i remember placing it in my brother's room. this is fatal. i wanna find it. linda... do you have the installer? the software. contact me please. burn it for me or whatsoever. i feel insecure. i can't forget that i don't have that cd with me. argh. it's eating into my mind. i feel like crying. i hate this. i have so many things missing. ah. i shall look for them this weekend. i shall pack my room. i'm such a bitch. shit. i hate myself.
Wednesday, October 8, 2003 11:42 a.m.

have you ever felt like puking and rushing to the toilet at the same time? you stomach feels pregnant with a baby... it aches when you press it and you can only go on water and bread? and the anti-diarrhea pills are making you constipated. your head aches from you don't know what. your lungs feel as if they're going to explode, as if they have been inhaling stale air for god knows how long. you feel decadent. like a corpse awakened. numb, aching, stomach bloated, pale skinned, lungs that have lost the ability to inflate - deflate... and you're now breathing into a lump of putrescent matter, forcing air into it when it has lost its elasticity. phlegm chokes you. thick, thick phlegm. you wonder why a stomach virus has created phlegm in your lungs. you wonder if its a sign of death.
i have a lit presentation to finish by 11. i have to be responsible i tell myself. i can't let edwin bear the braunt for nothing. it's unfair. and i'm here cowardly, sickly at home updating my blog. prrrrfff. whatever.
i've been on mc for two days. yesterday... and i'm going to get one for today as well, later. gonna tell my doc about the lungie thing. it's hurting. and i feel dead because of that. i wanna feel springie and ready to study much ado about nothing. weeee.
i bought lotsa bread and biscuits yesterday. it's quite bad tho. to eat that all day. cuz it's really dry... and my water intake ain't that great to suppy my body with enough moisture. guess that's why my tongue is feeling so dry... my throat too. to a state that they ache. but my phlegm is grossly keeping my throat moist. hah. i hope you didn't picture that. ew.
i bought marie biscuits. the kind when as a kid, i'd pour milk on it. and it'll expand. watch with fascination and eat with the desire for another even then. i bought the raisin bread. the ones that come in the shape of muffins. in six... in a packet. that's my "sick bread" cuz it's the only thing i can eat when i'm sick. hah. it's nice aight.
and i'm fascinated by the new pilot pen that's writable on all surfaces! the ink's nice. weee.
lemme work out a plan.
wednesday - MAAN
thursday - MOC
friday - MOC
saturday - RGAD
sunday - RGAD, CHAUCER
monday - CHAUCER
till sunday - ECONS starting with MACRO
monday - SEA themes
tuesday - nationalism
wednesday - UN
thursday - origins of the cold war
friday - end of cold war
saturday - collapse of communism.
ok. i hope i can adhere to this. hah. ok. off to do my presentation. ah.
Wednesday, October 8, 2003 10:08 a.m.

i should work out some plan. i wanna slap myself. i know. you hate me too. but i hate myself more. i procrastinated.
Sunday, October 5, 2003 07:34 p.m.

to linda:
your results aren't bad at all. mine are. imagine someone who thought she could feed herself with a pen for the rest of her life failing gp essays (so far 22 is my highest) and have lit papers with an average of 12, filled with comments like "garbled", "poor expression", "lack of reference", "unfamiliarity with texts", and the ever so depressing... "this is not the point". somehow. being only 5 weeks away from 'A's, i feel like giving up. i really do. i don't wanna care anymore... a lil voice in me is telling me. but the voice behind my back, the congregation of the supposed kindred, kith and kin are not warning, but threatening with condemnation beyond redeemeer. cheer up darling. if we could only live it through as easy as how today has passed by procrastination.
the girl living only cuz she's too afraid to die,
your ever brainless, analytical-skill-less, vocabularyless joanna

i just got to know that i got 50 for cold war paper. that means i get 52 for overall. i get a D. so my grades for prelims are DEE C. hur.
one thing worth. rejoicing about is my all clear! but what good is Ds and Es at As.
if i got DDD C (sounds like cup-sizes) i'd be rather happy. but with DEE. hmmm. it worries me a lil.
lemme continue to convince myself that my grades were out of sheer laziness and unpreparedness and continue to pain myself in silas marner.
sometimes i really feel that it takes a big fat masochist to withstand all this gruelling. i guess it's cuz self-discipline has never been my doctrine.
from my beloved lazy bitch,
joanna the 12 year old pre-teen.
Thursday, October 2, 2003 05:30 p.m.

i cried in school yesterday. after i got back my lit open-texts paper. i cried so hard.
i was already tearing in class when i got back my papers. i've got 40over for ALL subjects, history, lit, econs, gp. that's an E for all my A-subjects. i felt that. six weeks from As wasn't exactly a good time for results like these. when i was walking out of the classroom, i was tearing. prasad and florence were by my side. we were all silent.
k stepped out of the classroom after us. she called prasad from the back and told him he needs to buck up. she called for me after prasad so i stopped to match her pace. she caught up. stretched out her arm and placed it on my shoulder. telling me it's not the end of things and she could see attempts for improvement. just that it's not there yet. by then i was weeping river nile like no one's business.
she told me it's alright to cry but ultimately i should not dwell too much into the As after all that tears. she was so sweet. there are teachers who don't screw you up but don't console you either. she works on extremes.
so she prompted me to ask for consultation. yeah. that's what i've gotta do. i shall complete silas marner by this week.
she actually made me feel so much like studying.
suddenly, i realise how we can automatically force ourselves to be stronger when we're alone, that's it's easier to control emotions when you are with people of the same age.
but it's people more senior, more capable than you that makes you feel all weak and desire for some kind of attention. like k. i wasn't "weeping" when i stepped outta the classroom. but when she called me over, i cried. immediately. it's like. prasad and florence were there too. but it's different. cuz i know it's only right to brace myself up cuz we're all on the same boat. if i were to cry before them, they'd wanna cry too. that kinda thing. when k came as an... elder that reduced my capacity to a little girl with grazed knees, i let all go.
we went to the cafe later. i opted for it over the reading room and library. imagine crying in a place where everyone's concentrating on their books and distracted by a soft sniffing sound. hah. yes. that's not nice at all.
tho to prasad, the cafe was more public and insuitable by such an outflow of emotions, me and florence felt that it was the better of the three options. michaela bought me candy. tingting bought me panda biscuits and florence bought me maltesers. thank you. really. i'm grateful how all tried to cheer me up. especially michaela. i've never been close to her. and she took effort to get something for me. florence remembered i love maltesers. thank you, thank you.
ok. prasad got me a can of qoo which i only got to consume half of it. not because i couldn't drink it cuz i was choking on my tears but prasad was snatching it away from me! this is one guy who can make me laugh in tears. i realise. i don't lose that joviality even when i'm sad. and it's nice. like. i know i have some control over my emotions.
before that mr wee's final tutorial was heartwarming. it was like everyone of us would have this bundle of yarn thrown to us and we'd have to hold on to the string then throw the bundle to someone we wanna thank. prasad threw it to me and i threw it to charissa. we later got a piece of yellow string. it was really sweet of him. really. we made a web by throwing the yarn around and mr wee just walked across, snipping the yarn with a pair of scissors till we all got an individual piece. school's gonna end soon, we all realise. and it's really sad.
and it means that i'm going to leave the moe-system.
but first i've gotta study for As first before i end up returning to it next year when i get my results. hur.
Thursday, October 2, 2003 11:21 a.m.

have you ever met someone whose air of arrogance can gas you to death as if you were Jewish? Their pride in family wealth so overwhelming that you wished they had invested on land in China and get cheated by the swindlers (i know i shouldn't speak like that about my own race but ya know...) and declare bankruptcy? hah. some rich-asses out there peeve me no end. here's a story.
some one i heard about, prasad's acquaintance by chance, spends hundreds of dollars each week at the supermarkets to buy mineral water for daily consumption cuz they feel that Singaporean government uses too much additives in our water and makes it "unhealthy" to consume. apparently, they haven't heard of BOILED water. yes, apparently.
there are many things i'd say are slightly overdone in singapore. but water treatment is one of the things that i pride myself for being a singaporean for. water in singapore has FLOURIDE! can you believe it? for healthier teeth. and all the added chemicals are to prevent the accumulation of algae in the water pipes (which makes our water cleaner in the long run). i don't understand those airheads who spend money on bottles of evian for daily drinking. or even worse, to bathe in.
it's dumb. water in singapore is safe. check out water in thailand and china. they REALLY taste weird even if you're just gargling.
on the drinking/ daily consumption of mineral water, i have to warn all that drinking too much mineral water can de-mineralise your body in the long run as your body will reject and not absorb the so called added nutrients to our bodies. and too much minerals (ie. sodium) stresses our kidneys and one thing leads to another. so for those who are still worshipping evian and dreaming about french alps, consider this.
talking about water, i am rather supportive of newater. i feel that there is nothing wrong with it as long it tastes perfectly normal. so what if it is shit water. or any other fancy name some might fancy. drinking our own recycled water is better than drinking water from country-X's lakes that are pumped with their wastes.
i realised i digressed from the over-contentment in wealth i proposed to be utterly gross-outing.
there are rich people out there, chinese particularly, who are haughty as hell and detests the people who come from neighbourhood schools. neighbourhood school kids are dumb, chinese speaking and poor. yes. that's the view. cuz if we were rich, we'd have bought our places in independent schools.
it's rather disgusting how some chinese despise chinese-speaking chinese. i don't see what's wrong as long as they can cope with english or aren't complacent with their standard of english, which would be not as polished as those who have spoken english at home, during chinese classes and almost everywhere they go.
there ARE chinese speaking families that are wealthy. but without that english tinge of arrogance, they seem to be less glamourous as those who strive themselves to be as close to the west as possible. i guess, white superiority wasn't demented by the japanese occupation after all.
prasad's acquaintance happens to be indian. or mix. i'm not sure. his case is different. he's just plain boastful about his ability to afford for things. and how his family chooses the best for themselves even for the most trivial yet basic need.
or so, they thought so.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003 11:42 a.m.

i have renewed my faith in joss-sticks, red candles and rough paper with gold foils pasted clumsily in the middle of every sheet. yes. i'll let you know why.
in my wildest dream have i expected a pass in general paper. it's always been my weakest. no matter how many six-mark essays i got for econs, the subject never did succeed in the battle between gp to be my greatest academic worry.
i'm elated. by now, 4 people have experienced my bursting euphoria. it's a C5. that means i didn't pass by a moderation cuz without it, i'd still have been a six. which is QUITE comforting considering the amounts of Fs i've gotten this year and last.
in block tests two, my gp was a 28. previously 34.5. so now that it's. somehow... above 50 gets me excited like a puppy.
THERE IS A SIGN OF HOPE!
it's a great motivational force. at least now i know i could possibly go somewhere.
Thursday, September 25, 2003 11:03 a.m.

decided to change my layout back to the old one. heh. did pardoner's prologue today. ahhh. had caesar salad. I'M HAPPY!
hmmm. i've got two presentations to do tomorrow. weee. so happening huh. one for chaucer and one for heaney. i'm dying!
yeah. my haircut's getting better. hmmm. actually took a picture of myself and sent it to norman BY REQUEST. imagine. bad skin, puffy eyes and all thing that goes against my phototaking-principle. but i managed to get an OKAY picture taken and sent to him. things he want me to do.. ahhh.
6 more weeks to 'A's. realised i have quite a few people to prove to. those shit about "you should do it for yourself, not others." doesn't work for me. and. hell i AM working for myself. if i don't prove it to them, the one who gets all the sucky belittling and discrimination is ME. so i've gotta do something for myself by proving myself to them. and it'd do me more good than bad trying to pull myself decent grades, get into a uni and possibly get a degree and end up writing. it's something i'd enjoy. actually. i can't wait to work. i always preferred hands-on to theoretical, restricted writings. creative writing anyone?
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 09:03 p.m.

i just read martin's blog. i feel. depressed further. i can't stop thinking about how he feels i'm a total loser. that someone detests me. someone is so unhappy about the way i am.
it makes me feel insecure. and wonder if i've changed for the best. yes. i don't even know how i've changed.

why do i cry for someone i thought i've removed from my life?
i've lost all energy to reconcile. maybe there's a lil left. but. he seems to be getting on well. he can recall someone who has been a bitch to him with sweetness and longingness. i'm just a shade of dirt that's bothering him.
to think he said he didn't wanna get with me last time when i told him i'm fond of him for the fear of jeopardising our bestfriendship. i can't help but be engulfed with the sense of irony. with a certain. i don't know. i thought i'd never lose him.
i have. i think i have. people come and go. that's what i told him, and what we concurred. yes. sadly, indeed.
with the change in surroundings, environment and peers... no one can stay put at a spot forever. and people move. closer to you, or further away from being your friend.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 05:24 p.m.

it's been a long time since i felt pain. helluva long time. someone there as the panacea of all fears. but it just makes me weaker than ever if without him.
i guess it's because i've been getting myself all wrapped up in my own world pretty much and instead of facing everything around, i just excuse myself. i feel as if i'm shrinking. i couldn't sleep last night. i could control my own sleep. i felt like. there are so many things i can't make a decision for.
as if any voice would make a change. my new haircut is depressing me. that stupid girl (BOTH of my hairdressers are on leave) layered and cut my hair so short i wanna cry. like. i'm trying to grow it long. argh. nothing spoils my mood like a bad haircut, and a below expectation lit pracrit grade.
i feel stupid. feel. i don't know. like i'm nothing but a lump gibberish who writes words that mean nothing that whips whimsical ribbons of cream in the air.
i need some cheering up. somehow whenever i get to my computer, i start getting a lil down. cheer me up someone.
have quit irc for long. losing some nice chatmates online. and that doesn't make me feel better. cuz it's these strange people who knows me more than faces i see everyday.
i miss my channel of output for my emotions.
so i shall focus on input.
i AM going to get some udon cooked.
GIMME SOME MISO, BABY!!!
i'm addicted to it.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003 05:11 p.m.

just realised i need 14+ for each econs essay to achieve a C in econs. weee. i've NEVER ever gotten that in my bloody life.
somehow, i'm rather sensitive and observant about the things around me. nothing academic. mostly romantic in nature. that's what's the bad thing about me. i focus on everything else except studies.
so. i don't know. i might just be heading to become this. blog analyst. haha. soon, prolly. seems that all that aliases and blanked out names matches with someone in my internal name list. hmmm.
i realised reading blogs make me feel a lil. moody. not in the bad way but just. broody i guess. hmmm. just starts me thinking about stuff. and how i lack a social life, lack a fine lifestyle, lack financial affluence, lack intelligence and an oxford dictionary in my head. sometimes i feel inferior after reading how people cope with stuff cuz i can't. i'm a staunch believer of escapism.
melancholy is sinking in. suddenly feel like ending everything, putting all action around me to a halt. i don't wanna do what i am doing. it comes back to this wilful desire for "freedom". yeah right. no one's gonna give it to me. i chose this path. i should walk through it. i'm thinking. i'm 18 and i'm feeling like that. i'd most prolly commit suicide when i've got kids.
or i might throw them outta the window. heh.
it's scary. i'm in a state of denial. no i don't wanna grow up if i don't know what's gonna be for me or i know it's not what i want. what's the difference.
the only thing i'm satisfied with now is the company of a few kindred, norman, my red room, handphone and my ability to make webpages. of course. also, my ability to brew coffee with a coffee sock. heh.
yes, the kopitiam kind.
Monday, September 22, 2003 08:20 p.m.

went sakae for sushi buffet with adri and prasad. not too bad. i ate a hell lot.
siwei rebonded her hair. it was not bad at all... and it cost only 100 bucks!
i got back my pracrit poem essay and econs MCQ,DRQ and CS which are paper one and two. i actually passed both with Es. but it's depressing for pracrit. i thought i could do better. i always depended on pc to pull my grades up a lil. but. ah. it's bleak, that hope, i was holding such faithfully to.
but not that bad for econs. actually quite pleased. got 17 for mcq. which was the same grade as the mock test which i did not study for. so. tell me. is there any use in studying?
to think that i didn't know what Balance of Trade was (i thought it was visible and invisible trade), getting 9/20 for dataresponse wasn't that bad at all. the other, i got 16/30. which was alright. i didn't really study for anything that came out.
so i hope for an E (or hopefully D or C) for econs. pleaaaaaseeee.
ok. so life continues to be ever so packed with anxiety. tomorrow. lit presentation (potentially) and the return of the second essay for my pracrit. ahhh. alleluia. god bless thee!
Monday, September 22, 2003 08:04 p.m.

i've got a new layout! weee! hmmm. did it in three hours flat. hmmm. it's pretty simple anyway. but needed lotsa trial and error on some alignments.
so i'm happy. new layout. 8 essay outlines to complete. tell me what to do.
Saturday, September 20, 2003 05:34 p.m.

my feet's aching. but it's a subtle way to remind me of the fun i had last night out.
went clubbing. somehow i'm not really the clubbing sort. a well-blended mix of curiosity and a mood for dancing drew me there.
i didn't drink. ok. i did. ONE freaking sip of bourbon. that's about it. good. cuz i'm not getting rashes. i'll be meeting norman later, hopefully and rashes are the last thing i want bothering me with that itching and scratching.
they peeps there were pretty cool. though the music sucked with thumping pop. now and then there would be nice tracks though. but i prefer hiphop. or some... variation of beat compared to that techno thingie that makes your body ache with that consistent, repetitive beat. eeek. but the company was good.
got to know a new friend called marque! actually. he's the one who brought us there. *smiles* a really nice guy, yes. thank you marque for hailing the cab for me.
so i got home at five, sleeping till a lil over eleven. feeling good. but my feet's hurting.
but indeed, there were a few scandulous men out there just wanting to eat my friend up. haha! i'm rather safe in the circumstances and vicinity last night. i had fun nonetheless.
when talking to us, they kept asking where were we schooling and whether we were prepared for 'A's. the negativity in the reply was unanimous. we were the youngest folks there i guess. not many could bring themselves to believe i'm only 18.
there were two caucasian girls and one of them with black doll head looked really exotic. she was drunk. and her tube dress was sliding down. i was worried it would show too much for modesty. but her friends came along and helped her. she went on a podium half drunk and ground a guy to sleaze. heh.
men started stripping in the last half hour. good bodies bad bodies all mixed together. but nothing attracted me. i'm a face person. no. i'm a norman-person. slap me for being such norman-centric! but i am. *grins*
Saturday, September 20, 2003 12:31 p.m.

yes. finished pasta. five cups of tea and two chapters of Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. yeah. inspired to write. so i turned on my comp and wrote 631 words before deciding to update my blog. *smiles* i've got lotsa homework but i'm just not gonna care. no. not at all. i'll do it on monday during the breaks or something. i can't give a damn about it. it's after prelims. i feel like i'm falling down the hollow within a spiral-staircase. just a feeling.
talked about suicide with my brother. he glared at me and said i was scaring him. hah. no no, my dear brother, i won't die in my own hands.
continuing with my fic. and prolly gonna try reading Neverwhere again. it's nice. really.
Thursday, September 18, 2003 03:24 p.m.

the rain is scaring me. it really is. a potted plant just fell onto my balcony floor a few minutes ago. i'm starting to calculate the possibility of my window panes (especially the big balcony sliding ones) shattering. at first, i thought it was just like any normal shower. that was before i pulled my room curtains aside and saw the rain pouring on us like a gigantic hose releasing water from an as equally gigantic sprinkler. the rain was sweeping the roads. it probably still is. hang on. i've gotta check my my pasta. Thursday, September 18, 2003 11:52 a.m.

it's the end of prelims. pretty synonymous to the end of me. heh. ok. that's not the point.
i fell down yesterday. got a deep 1cm cut on my left knee. yeah. no BOTH my knees are scarred. my mom said she'd buy me scar-lightening plasters or something. heh.
i keep freaking falling down. nooooo.
so i went to orchard today and did some shopping. really really happy. watched turn left turn right. it's surprising that i went to watch a chink flick. kim wanted to watch, ling said it was good (before she watched it.) and so i thought i'd give it a try.
so had lunch with kim, flo, amy and prasad. after that, prasad left for his appointments and amy went shopping with me after the show.
i realised she's not a bad person at all. as in. she's some fine company.
realised that tying my hair up and clipping it all up's not too bad for going out. (i have always scorned tying up my hair when i'm not in school uniform.) my hair's getting a little too hard to manage. shall tie it up and not care about it. till i have the money to do so.
so i might be going out with adri and prasad on friday. actually, yes. i am. heh.
i'm all into quirky dressing these days! i'm starting to like looking tacky. heh. it beats looking lianish with black and denim numbers right? hmmm.
my back ached really bad today. even after i took painkillers.
i'm quarrelling with norman. rather. he's angry with me. trying to distract myself from that ache inside me. *looks around*
if a person loves a person enough, will he/she never get angry with that person?
for me yes. i've never been really angry with norman. not seriously. ok. not more than 5 minutes.
he's angry with me. i think that. the statement above is pretty perceptive. i don't know. but i'm not doubting his feelings for me.

i'm sorry

what should i do. *frowns* if there's anything i could.
i don't like the feeling of him being angry with me. it's hurting.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003 06:25 p.m.

the world feels smaller than it is. i'm dying an impending death. heh.
Sunday, September 14, 2003 01:59 p.m.

and i realised. that. i wrote a freakingly sucky chunk of words yesterday. hah. i'm not such an adhoc poet after all.
the anxiety fuels speculation. doubt filling me to the brim. it feels like a pill stuck in the gullet. you wonder if it's what you think it is. but you don't wanna bother about it. you chuck it aside, thinking other things can preoccupy. but they don't. you wonder why. and you've just made that person become a greater part of your life.
scratch head*
or maybe not.
Saturday, September 13, 2003 02:20 p.m.

for all those doing Geoffrey Chaucer's works like me. this is an EXCELLENT link. do consider.
side-by-side translation
for all doing shakespeare, this is it.
screw study
corny name but it's great!
bookrags
the webmasters must be REALLY bored to come up with such weird names. but the webpages are cool. they know they're stuff better than us. at least, better than me! hah!

people are acting weirdly. hmmm. weirrrrd.
i suddenly realised that i don't have that many... more. i dunno. "dysfunct" kinda friends. like. most of my peeps are normal... kinda. like. jc students who dress like fashion mags. stuff like mango and... i don't know. fareast? not anything particularly. weird. not anyone who'd be like me, wearing a weird green top and painting my nails bright red.
i have an immense desire to lose weight. to wear nice clothes and all. hmmm.
yeah. weee.
but i can say that in this year 2003, i've gotten to know some people who dress differently too.
they're better inspirations than fashion magazines.
Friday, September 12, 2003 09:30 p.m.

actually wanted to come up online to get some notes from prasad. ended up updating my two layouts a little. if all beloved souls out there have yet to realise that http://janathema.pitas.com and http://maudlina.pitas.com share the same entries, they do. but maudlina.pitas.com is where i usually refer to. i'm always someone who indulges in the fashion of things. the newer, the better. that is non-inclusive for my loveth friends, family and norman. that, i wish for more constancy!
aight. so. there it is. for people who are still going to janathema.pitas.com which can be found through search engines, horrifyingly, try to visit maudlina. cuz. it's... just newer? links are too. yeah.
but imma come up with a new page. thinking along the line of "ANGELLIKA RECRUDESCED" or something, something like that. but i'm inclined to using janathema once again too.
cuz it's a rather. exclusive name i guess. i realised angellika and maudlina are rather eastern european names. which is pretty elating, considering my fad for russian lolitas.
*wicked smile*
Friday, September 12, 2003 02:57 p.m.

pasta's making me lethargic. feeling a lil languid now. i realised i have been dreaming a hell lot.
dreamt of parents. family. friends. norman. everything tangled together and wrapped in the name of sleeping consciousness. i don't know. some. ridiculed daily incidents. some nightmarish encounters. some ominous signs. i really don't know.
i've been sleeping a lot. but my memory is not improving. it's still fading. i feel melancholy. i don't want to have things slipping off my mind. i hate the feeling of not being able to recall something everyone else does. academic, whatever. it's like a chronic disease.
feels like the villagers in Raveloe of Silas Marner. hah. people who fear to venture into a vacuum where no memory was existent. everyone needs a life buoy anytime.
i was thinking. people who'd commit suicide. maybe they thought. since everyone dies in the end, like everyone is born with a chronic disease, why waste time and pain yourself going through the rest of it when all of us end up at the same destination? an unexplained, unknown gray area. maybe that's the place between the black earth and white heaven.
like everyone's born to die. it's just a matter of time. and the possibility of us dying today is equivalent to us living today. so why make us susceptable to higher beings' control when we can take things into our own hands? now. i'm making the suicidal sound like control freaks. where this very desire to control is catalysed by the very lack of control they have over the things around them.
and everyone can feel lost. and rejected. dejected. chucked aside by the jostle and bustle of everyday life. like we matter, eh? like someone would die if we died. would povertise if we ceased to spend money. would see more loss than an empty desk in class.
i never dared to walk around town alone. makes me feel suicidal.
let your thoughts and voice engulf me. you do it cuz you know you can.
the realisation of the smallness of our existence is scary. people. don't let your thoughts run into the question of existence. it's a depressing patch of gray that people who have lived life twice as much as you would tell you to deter from.
"don't think so much." that's what they always say.
prolly cuz. the meaning of our existence is not what we mean to others but we mean to ourselves. and by then we'd realise how strange we feel in our own skin. we prolly don't even know ourselves enough to know what we can do for ourselves.
caffeine. it'll fix my overhauled mind. and studies. it's like a razor on a wound. do it enough, the pain will get therapeutic. the pain heals the pain. cuz this one will make you forget about the previous.
Friday, September 12, 2003 11:32 a.m.

i went to watch pirates if the carribean last night.
two thumbs up. one for orlando and one for johnny. that's for looks.
but character-wise. it's two thumbs for johnny.
it was a great film. trust me, catch it. sword plays and funny depp-accent. everything had such an exotic feel. (at least for johnny depp!) didn't really like orlando's character. cuz he played jack sparrow out.
i now declare i'm a johnny depp fan!
loved the humour. pun after pun. and sparrow's eccentricity was most entertaining.
made me feel like living at THEIR time. hah!
those who fall behind, are left behind.
very true isn't it.
Thursday, September 11, 2003 02:01 p.m.

i just woke up. or rather. i'm barely awake. *yawn*
gotta get myself ready to head out and meet lings and serene. olio! at bishan cc. cool. i love that place. it's always so. unpopulated. i hope it still is.
planning to do some studying. should be heading back to school on friday and saturday to gruel myself. i'm bloody running outta time.
been a few days. and quitting irc ain't that bad after all. at least i still have my maudlina.pitas.com
*grin*
Wednesday, September 10, 2003 09:29 a.m.

i feel down.
my hair's all pinned up. some coffee. and imma start studying.
i feel a lil piqued.
my books are lying around and i'm feeling really guilty.
it's chagrin i'm feeling.
Tuesday, September 9, 2003 02:34 p.m.

i think i saw royston tan on tv just now. some chinese breakfast show.
i think he just got back from venice (or vienna? damn. i'm bad with translation.) for some film festival. and he was saying how all three slots were all filled and how the one they showed was an uncensored version unlike the ones showed in singapore. and they are discussing about the censorship issue.
now there's G, PG, NC-16, M-18, R-21. how interesting. that is we eighteen kids can get more sexual explicitness and homosexual content and violence advocated in our films! weee! *celebrates*
the establishment of the new band holds two sides to the story. somehow. the film makers are distressed at the possibility of their films split into bits and pieces (cuz the movie companies are now allowed to censor a film to suit the different bands) cuz it's their hardwork and they don't want they message to be conveyed in morse-codes. another is that they're glad about this. and more oscar-nominated/winning films can be exposed to the blooming shrubs of creativity in us! yeay!
i guess. it wouldn't make much of a difference. if the censors are all "stuffy civil servants" (i quote from an article i read in GP class) the bands wouldn't make a difference.
and the exposure of homosexual content to the audience is still a controversial issue. that is. the M-18 band would most prolly be sheltered from all that acid rain.

joanna      (bimbotically)   huhhhhh?

Tuesday, September 9, 2003 11:14 a.m.

quitting irc is painful. i miss the novelists folks.
wait. i'll get back.

prasad and i were talking about blog entries. or. i shall correct myself, thoughts on our webpages. (heh) aight. actually. he was telling me about his. how he has more questions than answers in his entries. i started running my thoughts a lil. it's true isn't it. we shout out deafening rhetorics or questions we ask cuz we have no idea how to resolve em. and answers - resolutions. i guess that's the most appropriate. but then, looking at my own entries. i have a conclusion somehow on what to do how to do, be it to solve a problem or stay put in the situation without sliding off the map.
what a comfort.

joanna (bimbotically) Huh???

ok. so i'm going out studying. yeay. i'm in a light-headed ready to do cold war shit mood. good eh? life's a bliss. at least for now. i think i should take things slowly. don't irritate myself that much. by after prelims, i'd have done my stuff one or twice. and if i keep on doing it (which means that coffee bean can be ready to issue me a platinum membership card) i'll prolly be on pace for 'A's. and even if i flunk, though i hope not. i shall just. take it easy and choose the paths that are open to be. might be a blessing in disguise, maybe. but the overtly beneficial one is the "right" path. which is rather connotative. the right's always stuffy and conservative.
and so. i shall be off to study! how interesting. yeay. cold war. i intend to spend an 8-9 hours at coffee bean today and finish it off. weee. i'm mad.
Monday, September 8, 2003 10:40 a.m.

i've totally left my studies behind me. but i drew out a plan. which anticipated a blank sunday. so it's not that bad after all.
i've put on so much weight i feel angry with myself.
gonna mug. yeah. i should. right? no matter how much it's gonna strangle me, i should pull it through right? like what garrie said "do it once and do it right....." yep. i totally agree.
had pizza and durian mooncakes. they were way cool. norman's mom's treat.
i've not been studying much but i'm not panicking. why?
i need some divine intervention. i need coffee.
Sunday, September 7, 2003 08:17 p.m.

read a few blogs. somehow. found a girl who matches j r n's ideal girl. i had a serious major crush on him last year. which spilled over to this year. until he told me that he's not gonna be into commitment and suggested a fling for fun. gave him a silent "fuck off" and retreated into my own grey space.
i'm glad i hadn't gone into a flingie sorta thing with him. or else. i'd have been too plagued for the guy i adore now. norman. yes. the cutest guy i think he is on earth.
and i realised i could have gotten into patchy, scratchy, hurting-at-the-end-of-the-day relationships. i attracted weird people. yes. people who aren't into commitment. people who play in bands, who ALL smoke, who's got an edgy feel to them and don't give a shit about the people around them. is it the way i speak?
but norman didn't see me as a hit-and-run sorta girl. i think. a week to 6 months. i'm happy.
you know. when you find people back-stabbing you, work criticising you, friends ignoring you, best friend leaving you. i'd have shattered if i didn't have him to hold on to.
it's sorta like a tribute to him? (not fruits and rural produce like the chinese vassal states.) i don't know. i realised i seldom talk about him here. made him seem as if he's non-existent in my life. but it's not true. the daily dosage i need from him to keep my lucidity makes him a staple. and i conveniently took him for granted.
but i shall not. i tell myself. cuz he matters.

i read martin's webpage. about the issue of being busy. i guess busy to me is. lack of time. not because you don't manage it well or whatever. but we often have to compromise our time for some people around us. you take some, you give up some. and the inevitability of it is frustrating. you want to call someone up to show that you're keen of reconciliation but you have to study out for exams. you reach home, too late to call that person. when you've got time, even if your throat is hurting like fuck, you message that person whether he'd wanna talk finally cuz you've made time for it, he's busy. and yes. i don't know. i should try harder i guess.
but i once tried too hard. so what's the equilibrium of it all?

ok. breakfast was wonderful. made the potato and mushroom and cheese thingie. shared it between my mom and i. AND i made my first pot of coffee from a strainer. as in. the. kopitiam kind. the coffee sock kinda thing? i made it pretty well. the breakfast was on me. and we enjoyed it. cool...
my mom just passed me the new ikea magazine. YEAY! i looooovveeee it i tell ya. love it to DEATH. i really like ikea mags. imma read it soon.
gotta do chaucer and much ado. wish me luck.
Saturday, September 6, 2003 01:09 p.m.

i got an IRC trojan on my com. i think it's cleared? i don't know. my brother didn't update me about it. but i was extremely touched. cuz he didn't flare at me. he prolly realised that it wasn't my wish that the com got infected or anything.
but that's not the point. hah. the point is that. i'm quitting IRC in fear that the irc trojan might. i don't know. screw my chatting up? deleted it. so. anyone who only knows me through irc can contact me from the info given in the marquee.

icq 157814516
msn joaneali@hotmail.com
email hungforbitchery@yahoo.com

so that's about how you can contact me if you'd want to.
my mom just told me about this colleague of hers (whose son happens to also be my ex-schoolmate/aquaintance) and her husband who is. seemingly. on the other side of the coin.
prasad and i call it the right side.
inspired me greatly to write my novelette. yes. it's something along that line.
somehow. everyone must realise. there's no point keeping homosexuality a hush hush. cuz there's no need to. it should be recognised as a part of a society. not a "problem" or "trend" that people always name it.
sometimes. my friends frown when they hear about homosexual stuff. i frown at them. i feel. i don't know. it's just like being racist. or ostracising a poor girl in class. just because it is wrong in the bible doesn't mean it's wrong in society, right?
we're a secular, socialist democrat.
Saturday, September 6, 2003 12:54 p.m.

sometimes, the things they do make me feel like burning bibles and selling pork.
it was only infuriating.

local church community on PM Goh's view on gays in civil service

malaysia on gays.

UK ministers will be thrown out with boyfriends

i don't understand. i really don't. why don't they spy on every household and pick out gays. throw them outta the country? could solve over-population problem you know.

itchy and scratchy show!!!
my throat's hurting soooo much. yuck.
Friday, September 5, 2003 01:15 p.m.

prasad thinks i'm obsessed with norman. i scream whenever, wherever i see donuts.
we went to changi airport today. prasad and i. bought chocolates and candy at this new shop at the airport. spent over ten bucks on calories. wow. and went swensons to sorta. reward/prepare ourselves for today and tomorrow. i don't know. i'm fidgety. ever not knew what you didn't know?
thinking of joining a webring or something. i don't know. something i could see people chat or just. read blogs or what. i don't know really. thinking of changing my room a lil end this year. derek called last night and he agreed to play for me and we'll form a guitar and tambourine band! (right) prasad diplomatically called it indie. i call it. um. a guitarist and a girl desperate to sing and show her rhythmic talent with percussions. yeah. all's ok. got 9 days to study for modern world history and econs essay paper and lit paper. that is from tomorrow onwards. right. as if i'll start tomorrow. i'll most prolly doodle.
thinking of asking sean to be my study buddy. weee. prasad is an UNRELIABLE study buddy. HEAR THIS PRASAD! he's always tired and ill. urgh.
ok. i'm gone.
Wednesday, September 3, 2003 10:11 p.m.

tomorrow's my exams. argh.

internal monologue
have you not felt the same?
fear, anguish, frustration
out of an obligation
unconsented yet self-induced.
you delude, elude,
to set yourself free,
to run around trees
like a happy little girl -
even if you grazed your knees
it was tears of joy you shed
because you know it was your choice,
the script was in your hand.

but now you cry
dry tears of anxiety.
the clock striking hours away,
drawing blood from your veins
and you feel weak,
too tired for tears.
you think of the days when your heart soared,
spreading its wings in the clear blue sky,
you forget your preoccupation,
you enjoy the littlest things away from work,
you doodle, you stray
and simulate those happy days.

are you dead little girl?
or else, where have you gone?
i miss you like i've never missed anyone.
where are you? fuck. where are you?
why did you leave me?
oh no. it was my fault,
i left you behind
for an arcane concept of maturity.
i'm sorry but i was pushed by an unknown hand
onto a train to destination 18,
sitting in my allocated seat
imitating everyone around me.

it is rather fordist.
repeat one, two, three.
the person beside the person
beside the person beside you,
all insync and silent.
one stands up and jumps out of the window
the rest gasp in awe.
murmurs - criticisms
one, two and three,
a voice adding to another,
louder and bolder.
your head is going to explode.

scream, you hear a scream.
your jaws ache, your heart too,
torn by a dilemma.
"yes, no. yes, no."
your voice is not alone.
again. louder, and louder
like a crescendo.
you want to get off the train, you cannot.
you are belted up like a child on a car,
you take back seat, it is not your steer.
let me go, please,
let me go.

an omniscent voice: it's all up to you. if you dare.
you gulp, calculating the pros and cons.
confusion at its magnitude.
guilt overwhelms with your hiatus from chores.
you smooth it out like you would smooth your hair.
sinking further into the nightmare,
indulging further in beguilement,
pacifying it with a made up sense of knowledge,
resuming your calculation.
a waste of time - tick, tock, tick, tock.
guilt allies itself with panic.
you realise the existence of your heart.

let me go back to my little girl, please do.
i am worried, she might lose her way like i have.
i have to look for her, please,
let me, let me.
the unknown hand strikes you across your face.
your face stings and moistens with tears.
you didder and dodder as you stare out of the window,
fidgeting, itching with the desire for the sky.
it is an alternative, but not a choice -
fear, anguish, frustration, intertwined.
the train is the best choice they say,
the track is the unquestioned route to paradise.

Monday, September 1, 2003 10:18 p.m.

imma be deprived of blogs to read soon. everyone's turning private. ah. that's when you have people reading your blog. i wonder how many people read my blog. or that, if anyone even does.
that's not the point. haha. i'm all groggy. heavy headed with a runny nose. since this morning when i watched this nkf show about two sisters who got kidney failure simultaneously and all the hardship they went thru. and death. and dialysis.
i cried my eyes out. yeah. the actresses were really good.
so i've got a couple of films to watch. legally blonde 2, swat, yada. i downloaded 15. the singaporean flick about bengs. it's highly entertaining. and it's humorously true.
i spent so much money over the weekend. hadn't claimed anything from mom yet. yeah. i'm freaking broke. and she says i'm spending too much. dissed about these two slacks i bought when she got three. hello???
prelims. i ought to get something going. have been studying at coffeebean round serangoon gardens. the crew actually remember my name. and i've just drank four carambas to get a free one tomorrow. yeay.
i hope i can concentrate. and good lord. please make this headache go away. i so have to mug tomorrow. yikes.
Sunday, August 31, 2003 08:37 p.m.

i haven't been around for some time. prelims have started. and yesterday was a waste of time. but i rested well. so. yeah.
had gp and lit pracrit paper already. gp's a flunk. i enjoyed the pracrit paper thoroughly.
so i'm out studying. yey. and HAPPY BIRTHDAY SERENE! ling's was two days ago so HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY LINGS! yep.

pause

silence is around me. no. there's jolin tsai thumping my hifi. why? cuz. it's a nice song to act taiwanese and jump around my room. it's the 8th time it's on repeat though.

pause

i still think she's pretty average. yet surprisingly, she has the ability to switch those hormones on in males. what's wrong with you guys!

btw. i've started on some. novel novelette thingie. depends on my stamina. hah.
you'll see.
Friday, August 29, 2003 12:33 p.m.

HOW TO SALVAGE A FRIENDSHIP TORN APART
i've been asking myself that question since. martin and i had this period of tension, and it's very lack of (miraculously at the same time) and it slowly deteriorated our bestfriendship into an awkward situation. i mean. seriously. i wished it had all never happened. i want to have a best friend of my own. cuz. it's different. feels different. someone you know who will be on your side if not by your side. and i lost him. till now. i hadn't found the "root" of the problem simply because i've yet to find a solution. yeah. i don't know how to handle this. i once tried to initiate a lil. but it all made things mechanisized and even I thought it was rather phoney and seemingly hypocritical.
mid-autumn festival is coming again. last year, i had mooncakes from martin's mom. this year, i've got nothing. it feels terrible. not because i'm not going to get mooncakes this year but. it just reminds me how almost exactly a year ago, i had someone who i could confidently call my best friend. and now. it's gone. and my world's like a vase on sticky tape. broken and carelessly pieced together. a little. languid. distorted and blur. but i'm just deluding and trying not to give a shit.
but of course. there are sweet people around me now. new "entries". prasad, linda, norman. and they never fail to brighten up my day that sorta thing.
but the fact that i LOST a best friend, makes me feel uneasy. like. things aren't THE SAME. and people like constancy, familiarity in their grasps. it's like. the sweet people now assume new places in my life and (let's get icky!) heart. but there's a void. like. "hey martin the best friend's empty. lemme dust the cobwebs away." that's not me saying that the other people around me aren't doing what he did before. but. i don't have people coming into my life and taking up, replacing people. i set a new "domain" for them. like. everyone's an individual and they all play their OWN role. it's like. losing a gold chain. you held it dear. it was close to you. you lose it. you get a new one. you love the new one. but the old one still has a place in you.
i guess. one... part of the problem is that. he got into a poly and i'm in a jc. i mean. there are differences in mindset. poly students are more diverse. you see more facets of a stone there. jc's all about meritocratic students slashing necks to get into the uni. and that might be why he saw me as a narrow-viewed jc kid. and i guess my lack of effort catalysed the falling apart. his group of friends now are those i don't know. have never seen before. not like when he was still in vs. the people around him. i sort of. knew how they were like. their views and perspectives. but his peers now are so. out of reach for me. and i can't hinge myself onto a common topic nowadays as easily as i used to be able to. i used to call him night after night to talk about. i dunno. stuff? but now it's like. yeah.
i should start making more effort. to do something. i need loads of self-improvement i know. he's initiating now. so i should follow up.
and if we can't be best friends again, i wouldn't mind martin's glass half filled. at least i hadn't got a cavity threatening to double its size anytime.
but how?
Sunday, August 24, 2003 11:28 p.m.

i suddenly have a thought. is it better to be someone like elle woods. or someone like tori amos.
should someone be clueless? or thoughtful.
i realised. being elle woods might be a way to live my life easier. happy, pink. and careless of what people say cuz. like they say. "weatevirr."
tori amos? silent all these years with a thousand thoughts a day in mind. mellow. brooding. sensitive and feeling. classier?
but if i don't manage to pull tori amos well with style, i'll end up like a demented puppy trying to be different. being elle woods is totally. casual. but it's physically tiring.
hmmm.
lemme see what am i.
i'm elle woods with prasad and tori amos wannabe to myself.
i wanna learn to take things easier. let the crowd pass me by and remain settled and secure without being washed away by the flow. not falter when things go every other way. not sulk when feelings or sentiments are not reciprocated.
that's elle and tori.
i think the real "THING" about "BE YOURSELF", the 1990s catch phrase for being a "teen" is about being confident with what we've chosen to be. i don't believe in a "yourself". we're inevitably influenced by external forces and trying to pick up something different doesn't mean we've changed, right? is it alright to incorporate new stuff. be it. behaviour or thought or taste to what we have been and not lose friends cuz they think you're not the person they once knew? it's when they start to ask "why have you changed?" that we become insecure of what we've chosen to be. and become reserved and shy away like mimosa.
i wanna wanna wanna be confident about what i have become.
and i should stop protecting myself that much. and indulge in myself. i should just. take things as they come. and be sure that no matter what happens, i'll still have a grip on myself. i would have changed, most prolly. but to myself, i should still be me. and real friends would have been around as things change me. (the word evolve lit up in my mind) so they won't sense the difference. and if they don't agree with what i've changed into. hmmm. i don't know. let go?
i think. everyone has a lil part of them that desires to be appreciated by others. (that conveniently makes me feel more NORMAL) agreed and reckoned with. when that doesn't happens, for me, i freak out and say i'm depressed. brood. pout. and say "fuck".
i should try to be more receptive. and not be a self-protecting girl who repels all things bad or negative said about myself. maybe i should see why they say it in the first place. and if i can't see why they feel that way, i should just. keep it at the back of my head and as time passes by, see if anything i do fits into it. OR just. accept that not everyone knows me like the back of their palm and everyone has their right of feelings and opinions. so i can't force them to change anything they wanna hold onto.
this thought is incomplete. but something like what happened yesterday shouldn't have happened. it just shows i'm unsure about myself. and what i am. and i've demeaned all around me who appreciates me.
you see. i just went through mommy-therapy over tea. my mom accepts me, contrary to what i thought before. that is, that, she hates my guts and depreciates me.
i realise. there were instances that we were both at wrong. and it just ruined lotsa stuff. the turning point of this was when my dad was hospitalised some time back. it pulled the family together, somehow. and every saturday at home nowadays is a therapeutic experience.
from a hate-hate relationship to a nag-love relationship. at least now i know that i have reconciled something i once ruined before. an example that things CAN be salvaged if i make enough effort to be more sensitive and receiving.
and it just made me feel better.
Saturday, August 23, 2003 04:22 p.m.

i've almost decided on what to wear for my grad night. yeay. didn't really wanna think about it. but my mom said. if i wanted my dress tailored, i'd jolly well have to make up my mind now. almost forgot that it's gonna be the end of the year and tailors and seamstresses are gonna be all really busy. so yeah. have something on my mind now. should be black. black sets me down. and makes me feel secure. but maybe not totally black. i shall think about it.
saw it on cleo!
gonna go vintage. hey where's my eyeliner...
Saturday, August 23, 2003 04:13 p.m.

little depressed me foolishly stayed away from the internet for a few days to "gather" the tag messages. and it depresses me when i realised no one bothers.
oh hey. i AM still an angsty teen after all. right.
attention-seeking and ignorant. i'm such a kid.
it's. saddening. when it starts to occur to you that no one prolly reads your blog anymore.
not a well-liked person in life, not a well-liked person online.
and i feel like a failure. my inability to persuade people. move people to do things. i'm just a voice hardly heard. this little irritating voice that people keep out of their ears. i most prolly don't make sense. and nothing i say or feel worths or means anything.
i'm insensitive. and untactful. hurting the people i care about with unintentional words. not as if i don't exercise self-control. i do. i am. and i still fail.
as much as i would like to be a people-person, i'm not.
my throat's as dry as an autumn leaf.
and my tears hardly mean anything.
hmmm.
aight. let's have a change of mood here.
thought of going changi airport with prasad and later catch lin's gig. i think it's not gonna happen. prasad has rejected the offer to study at the airport. prolly staying at home for the whole day. i'll hate myself again if i don't study at all. that's how i am isn't it. immature. ill-disciplined. and hardly knows of anything good for myself.
i feel like puking my guts out. i'm getting disgusted by myself.
oh and i went out with serming this evening. he's getting enlisted soon. so we went chomchom for some food.
norman and i sorta quarrelled last night too.
Friday, August 22, 2003 09:50 p.m.

i'm most disgusted by what happened today in school. or should i say. that just happened, since i'm still in school anyway.
as the little voice in me screamt "can't you fucking wake up joanna? go for history lecture for goodness sake!", i decided to follow florence to attend history lecture which i had planned prior to skip. (after last week's lecture, i saw no purpose in that uninteresting monologue and flashing of notes that we have, somewhere, buried in our files.) but then. i thought he might be going through something about source-based questions i happily flunked a 12/25 during block tests 2. i went. waited for 15minutes before leaving the lecture theatre only after having a picture taken for the good 13 of us who bothered to attend the lecture and my disappointment in him "rejuvenated". so yes. i'm disgusted. i've never had any teacher standing students up. it was gross. presumptuousness and laziness. what more could i ask from a teacher, right? sheesh.
so i shall resume my studying of econs. realising that i only came to school for GP and chapel. how interesting a day in school. yeah.
and prasad sounds ill. hope he takes care, gets well and returns to school soon to do the ELLE WOODS LEGALLY BLONDE quiz on elle mag with me. muahahaha.
it's a right thing to do skipping school today.
am going to have dinner with my girlfriends of 4/2. my secondary school darlings. so. my friend laypeng messaged and said "we can study after makan if you want." i was wondering what an arts person can do amidst all the double math people. at least i have serene now. some arts please. and maybe i could do econs. i think. and get notes from them yes! nj? vj? aj? hmmm. i could do that, couldn't i?
Thursday, August 21, 2003 01:56 p.m.

just reviewed my exam timetable.
gotta do RGAD, MOC and HEANEY first. and SEA history and a lil econs.
the break will hold MUCH ADO, CHAUCER and SILAS MARNER with COLD WAR, UN and NAR. and econs econs econs. hmmm.
hey. i could do that. i think. once through... *gulps*
yikes.
Tuesday, August 19, 2003 08:47 p.m.

so there WAS something wrong with my body. something that could threaten my fertility. not as if i'm someone who yearns for a contingent walking behind me whining for breastfeeding but. yeah. i want myself to be healthy. and it was just right a visit to the doctor's.
so i went out studying after the doc's. macs at rivervale plaza and later coffeebean at serangoon gardens. had caramba thingie. it was heavens. really really good. then. it was stingray and my favourite glutinous rice balls in soya-beancurd. yeay. ling and i emptied out all the coins we had. i was left with forty cents.
so i did a lil econs yesterday and finally received my valentine's (in case you were wondering, it's 14th feb) day present from laypeng. it's some candle holder. very pretty. yeap.
so am going to extend my mc. get home and get some work done. i'm still feeling unwell. urgh.
i'm a saccharine romantic these few days. *grins*
Tuesday, August 19, 2003 12:04 p.m.

it's time. and i should get going to the doc's before starting off some serious mugging at macs. (sounds ironic. like wtf? at macs???)
anyway. has been going to jennic's website. hah. i'm quite a loyal. it's something different from reading local blogs when the only places we can go ranges from the town to our own neighbourhoods. and her pictures are up now. hmmm. i love looking at pictures.
so i shall, should, am going to see the doctor now. i hope it's a female today.
i slept till 11:45. refreshed enough to start studying after i find out what the hell's wrong with my body.
tata.
Monday, August 18, 2003 01:00 p.m.

yesterday was quite a hectic day.
first, there was a pracrit test. i didn't manage to finish it. but i fell in love with the drama extract. florence too. we were whining at the sweetness of this romantic episode. ah. but i've got a feeling i won't do well. so. yeah. i enjoyed the paper aight!
then it was lit extra classes. k was going on and on. my class is terribly behind. we've not even done viking dublin. so. we were a lil confused. i mean. me and florence and prasad. hah. but i did catch some consistent concerns that sorta thing. that was an intellectual overload. i felt groggy after that. i followed pp to raffles place in hope of releasing my grogginess into a cup of coffee.
which didn't happen. i picked up a birthday cake for my brother and we went back. was too drained, tired, whatever. i bought 'a beautiful mind' for my brother as a gift. hey. it was on sale. but. actually. it was kinda a self-interest thing as well. i thought i'd really wanna watch the show (yes. though critically acclaimed, i've yet to watch it) so i am going to. but the meaning of the gift was more metaphorical than practical. so. yeah.
went home. took a bath and a nap.
i've grown fat and i look bad in all my clothes.
so we went. hollandv's thaiexpress for dinner. my cousin wasn't sure about the route so the subaru cruised 3/4 of the island. hah. we spent an hour on the road. on SINGAPOREAN road. can you believe it?
went to fullerton for coffee and cake-cutting. here's where my ranting shall start.
we didn't have an place to settle down, not even the cafe. so we decided to just sit around at the lobby and have a drink or two. the main reason of which was to get the birthday cake cut. a waitress (with poor posture, diction and etiquette) served us. the menus were slapped onto the stone table. she stared at our cake and said. "we don't serve food here." so we were like. ok. i thought she was just saying we can't order food. so we ordered our drinks and took out the cake. we sang our birthday songs and when my brother was cutting the cake (note: it was WHEN he was cutting the cake. bloody he made a wish. the essence of the occasion was in the cake-cutting!) halfway, some guy in a coat creeped over and with much hesitation and hypocrisy said "sorry. but this is a smoking area and so you all are not supposed to consume any food here. it's prohibited by law." at that instance, we did a synchronised stare at the kuey lapis on the saucer. i wonder what's the difference between that food and birthday cake food.
we continued anyway, careless of what he just warned us against. the thing that irked us was not the LAW against it but the timing that the message came. my brother was cutting his cake. halfway through. couldn't that guy had spared some thought and magnanimous courtesy for my brother to finish that? was it THAT difficult for a 6-star hotel staff to be considerate?
so we started to discuss about how if a caucasian were in place of us, they'd have celebrated and sent a birthday card over to them.
we asked another male waiter over to clarify that "law" the other guy was talking about. he very politely explained that they do not have a license to serve food in smoking area cuz it's a confined space. he BENT down and lent a listening ear when my brother was talking to him. whereas that MANAGERIAL-postition-holding-man-in-jacket was standing up tall and commanding us in a semi-mocking tone with a weird accent to make the aural presentation worse. i wonder WHY those freaking people get to climb up to the post they hold. if a normal WAITER could do such a kind gesture, which we took as a deserved respect that we had the right to ownership as consumers, why couldn't that double-salaried manager do the same? we were saddened. we chose fullerton cuz previously, we enjoyed the service greatly. now. apparently, they're paying a bunch of fools to hold positions too costly for such poor manners.
the SARS-caused decline in tourists in singapore has brought light to a rather disturbing phenomenon. hotels in SINGAPORE are treating SINGAPOREANS as what i'd clumsily call "spare-tyres". just look at the recent situation. they've only warmly welcomed local guests when FOREIGN guests have refused to step into sars-affected singapore. i was all disgusted by they're disrespect to singaporean consumers. why are we second grade? if singapore's such a bad place, why don't they have a hotel somewhere in malibu instead? why are they focusing on singaporean guests only when the other sources of income has been paralysed? we ought to be treated equally, we're all consumers. this white-superiority celebrating it's 58th death anniversary this year is still embedded into our(i use loosely as a general terminology) minds should be discarded.
at this point, i've digressed. the bad service i got last night made me look at the singaporean hotel industry more closely than i ever did. we're spending the same rates as they are. why are they giving us less than what we deserve? does holding a singaporean accent and features make us less capable of spending? why are they bootlicking the foreigners so much. this, i am spurred by a certain incident that happened prior to this when a waitress was all smiling and softspoken to a caucasian guest and giving us a putrescent glum in contrary.
i should do justice to the other hotels that have provided excellent services. pan pac and even meridien changi before it was closed down for renovation. 5 and 3-star hotels respectively with staff practicing more grace than a 6-star. i don't see where the high charges go.
when i asked for a comment sheet when that particular girl came back for the bill, her faced turned into a soured sulk. she apologized twice. "sorry. really sorry." that showed that she knew she was doing something inappropriate. the slapping of the menu, the spilling of hot water on my cousin's shoe and the very lack of smile that dampened our expectations a lil to start with. i wrote a comment on how i don't see why there should be a discrepancy in service that we received. if that polite waiter could bring such grace with him, why couldn't the girl and the manager? i asked for some form of reflection and improvement and i promised a revisit in future. i was giving them a second chance, still holding on the that faith given to us the previous occasions we enjoyed at fullerton.
but yes. i do realize we're not supposed to consume food in the lobby. however, it was just a slice of cake equivalent to that kuey lapis for all. my brother was rather affected. he was interrupted when he was cutting his 23rd birthday cake as it was a sign of the hope of being well and blessing for the year ahead. the very fact that they stopped us from consuming the cake at that point of time made us WANT to consume the cake even more. we felt rudely interrupted and we merely retalliated.
ah. that's all i guess. the matter was rather trivial. but it triggered a great deal of discussion between my parents, cousins and my brother.
this could have been acceptable at hotel81 but definitely not at fullerton.
Sunday, August 17, 2003 12:07 p.m.

went to have sushi with rohai and prasad today at raffles place! hmmm. it's the first time i met rohai in person. he's quite a cute lad. not boyband cute. but. someone i can talk to like i talk to my until yesterday one-and-only dramapapa friend prasad! heh. we'll chill out again real soon i hope. yeay.
i bought a turqoise pair of slacks yesterday. those. no-zip-tie-knot kinda pants. pretty nice. thinking of getting the purple one too. but that'll be for later. i've gotta save.
nothing much these few days. thursday was again a waste of time in school. seeing how much work the other jcs are doing makes me feel inapt and anxious. shit. especially econs. actually history too. rohai just told us something totally new to us, that argument is more important than quantity in source-based history papers. my teachers have always told us about. how two-pages is a mockery of the school system blah. and he says it's alright for them to write even a little less than two pages. prasad and i were kinda shocked. now, we have no idea who to follow.
and the things they're teaching us seems rather irrelevant these days. increasingly so. sheesh. it's just sick. and nothing else aight. it's making me feel all green.
went out with lins yesterday. wanted to go black tea box but they're doing some packing. i really really hope they're not leaving. i'm gonna cry. so we went over to pacific something something. and studied till the manager or something chased us out in a weird accent. we sat at this staircase opposite marina square and had our cookies and chicken bolognese from seven eleven. we literally emptied our purses. hah. so yeah. yesterday was fun as well. thanks lins. really enjoyed myself.
feeling constipated.
lit pc mock test tmr. sheesh. am i nervous or what.
why do i have to wait till sunday?
Friday, August 15, 2003 20:55

great. i can't find my entry. yeah. hmmm. studied a little. gonna do more tomorrow. good luck.
oh by the way, just bought two new sets of bedsheets. beautiful dark blue and maroon. ahhh. how nice. i love em.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003 09:38 p.m.

apparently, there's something wrong with my page. urghhh.

i was about to finish an entry online yesterday when my brother called telling me to switch off the com immediately cuz of the worm crawling around in the syberspace.
i saved it in my documents i think. but i've yet to get any access to it (i'm in school duh. hahaha.) so the order of the entries for these two days will get a lil screwed. anyway.
yesterday. my slumming back-to-a-bloody-slacker-cuz-i-went-back-home-with-intention-to-study-but-to-no-avail made me feel a little down. so i wrote this set of lyrics. yeah. something like that. it's in yesterday's entry. i haven't even completed it yet. sounds cheesy. but was what i wanted and still wanna say. hah.
i've got 3.5 free periods to now.
pp skipped school today cuz he woke up late. i don't blame him for this special incidental occasion cuz there's no pracrit and pe. so it leaves the day with single-period econs and gp (classes easy to catch up with). we've got claudine's remedial later. so. yeah. that's why i'm freaking staying in school besides the fact that i plan to do some revision now and later.
going to study with linda at black tea box tomorrow. yey. i wonder if there's any history tutorial.
in dire need for new notes. please anyone. help me. nationalism. YES! zap a copy for me. any other jc. please. my notes are. hmmm. yeah.*pause*
imma write a short story (or a novel IF i have enough stamina to) soon. i've thought about the themes and what not. i can't figure out the ending. *ponders* but that's not supposed to be a worry now. studies, my lady!
so... i shall study soon. the class starts at three. urgh. aight. am feeling really lethargic these few days. i have no idea why. coffee's failing me. *irritated*
really quite excited about... the novel thingie. yey. after hearing the outline, pp goes "i sense some self-eposition.". NO! at least, not totally.
it shall take time, like i always do. cheers.
Wednesday, August 13, 2003 12:25 p.m.

in the school library, again. going to get down to some studying. yesterday was a more than elating experience for me. for the firxt time this month, i'd actually sat down for a couple of hours and seriously studied. it's. nice. really. hmmm. was in the school's reading room with pp till 19:40 before we went down to wheelock's oliodome.
where we met a really really nice waitress.
despite the fact that we were in school uniforms, she treated us most kindly. that was what found pretty... i would say. new. school uniforms seems to be this ticket for access to delayed services and lousy tones from people. so. we're glad. was working on a budget because i bought an econs book. can you believe it. i dug out all my coins to buy to book. rather embarrassing. but the cashier was so. amicable. happened that all the service line people we interacted with were all nice people. they're hard to come by. but. i did it. just for studies. ahhh.
so i didn't really have time to get online cuz i only settled down at around 23:00 at night. imma study in school again today to finish nationalism. i'm a happy woman.
at least i'm finally getting the momentum.
i just have to push pp to work more. yeah. by simply perfecting his attendance. he was on this. grand plan of cancelling days of school on his own account cuz k's sick big time and wouldn't be in school for the next few days. but. hey puss. it's for your own good alright. you jolly well know that you won't study at home.
don't we always do that?
i'm such a caring and nurturing friend. *gleams*
somehow, i'm tempted to just. read, memorise and not organise points as our teachers have so repeatedly advocated us to. i mean. i'm. urgh. ok. i'm lazy. and i just wanna do everything the 'O's way. i'm a rote-learning nerd.
aren't we all?
Tuesday, August 12, 2003 11:41 a.m.

i seldom talk about him in my blog. actually. i've not talked about him at all. but all you guys know he exists anyway. so. yeah.
but something happened tonight made this inevitable.
for the first time. i feared losing him. i never thought i would have a chance to. cuz. he's always so. there. but tonight made this whole security thingie fall apart. i thought i could lose him.
i gave him my blog address. he's bothered about something. with the blog i suppose. and i don't know what it is. it's like how it felt between me and martin. the kind of. unsureness. he's yet to tell me what it is that has peeved him.
and i feel like crying. was on the brink to but i realised my tears would make him feel worse. so i shall keep myself resolute.
what's wrong.
i'm getting neurotic. hah.
"they hurt us and make us cry and yet we cant do much because we're afraid of losing them when did we transition from being independent to utterly dependent? the males of this society are like this. say we manipulate them when in fact they're the one controlling the stage." -cheshire-
it's not that bad, really. he's not hurting me. it hurts cuz. i think i'm hurting him. heavyhearted.
i hope my. relationship with everyone will better itself. i'm all klutz.
Sunday, August 10, 2003 10:13 p.m.

an acquaintance whom i thought was potentially conversational told me that he disagreed with my attitude in life and has chosen to ignore me for prolly the rest of his life.
he has my blog address.
i don't pass my blog add around. i only do to people whom i think could be my friends.
the root of the problem being. my excessive narcissism. i centered the conversation on myself. what i thought was a kind attempt to air my views backlashed. i felt he was worthy enough to share a few thoughts and stuff. wanted to tell him more about myself. that's a totally clueless case. i've had no intentions to smother him with my self-indulgence. it was such undeliberate. i feel a lil. hurt. taken aback. whatever you call it.
what have i done? what happened? what's wrong with me?
so here. because of a friend whom i thought was nice enough to message me on mIRC left without a chance for me to steer the conversation away from myself.
and i thought his silence was a sign of audience.
guess i was wrong.
Sunday, August 10, 2003 08:55 p.m.

as a reply to the assault that happened to linda:
i've got this feeling that miss anonymous will strike again. and if that happens, she'll say something like "it's because you don't accept it that you wrote something derogatory about my comment and started criticising me for just being stronger than you are and more mature than you, such a pathetic little girl."
which explains exactly why you had to reply her comment. she's an ignorant little puppy who has stepped out of depression, prolly over a boyfriend who dumped her for someone who resembled you.
as i always say "this is a journal. not a forum." true friends encourage you (*smiles* as a subtle volunteering hint). people who stop by a blog with a vague idea of who the owner is and trash that person for being in a rough patch are the few negligible kinds of people we can afford to not give a shit for. comments are so oftenly abused as means of a practical-criticising tool. if you're reading, miss anonymous, comments are for people to reply positively towards entries because the owner has the right to deserve such respect. abusing your "upperhand" as an anonymous just shows that you're afraid of the consequences to being such rudely negative. you know the implications are gonna be ugly so you chose to make yourself a voice of no origin. you know you won't bitchslap a person in reality so why do it online? just because you need not be responsible for it? felt the thrill? you need some catching up with your age my dear. do it before it's too late and your youth shall no longer be a chip to bargain for mercy. good luck.
-jo-
that explains why i don't have a comments page. people like doing silly things online.
Sunday, August 10, 2003 08:19 p.m.

a lazy sunday. my head's heavy. i wonder if i can get my act together today or not. anyway, anyhow. i feel a lil drained. but i should study a bit. guess so.
two weeks from prelims i think. lemme see. 2 and a half. around 17 days.
lemme work out a plan here.
2 days on south-east asian history
3 days on modern world history
1 day on silas marner
1 day on much ado about nothing
2 days on chaucer
2 days on rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead
3 days on microeconomics
3 days on macroeconomics
i hope this rough guideline will work. *shuts eyes*
Sunday, August 10, 2003 01:35 p.m.

a bitch slammed linda in her comments for linda's blog entry. i couldn't help but feel all nauseatic after reading her comment. she's such an apathetic fool. i can't stand people who talk down. one fine example of people i repel.
i gave her this sentence.
an unjustified claim to superiority, dwelling in disillusionment and evading from the piercing reality, feeding on such mindless cynicism for some cheap amusement with an exclusively acquired-taste restricted to herself.
it's a quiet night. talked to prasad and rohai through a three-way calling thingie just now. it was so fun. we all had great impressions of each other. pretty much looking forward to hanging out with em. it'll definitely be fun.
my brother has this problem with online blogs. he says. "every single bit of information online can be used against you." but i don't put anything that would threaten myself directly here. hmmm. gosh. it's weird how paranoid he is. maybe i SHOULD be more careful cuz there ARE indeed risks online. i shall, i shall. i've always made sure just enough of myself is revealed here.
i tell here whatever i can tell the people around me. people do have secrets buried in their minds.
and our opinions are only to be restrained by our own will. not by others who diss at us. it's insane. why should we criticise someone so bad when we haven't been voodooed by that person? it's weird how some people have warped way of thought. people should empathize more and at minimum level, sympathize.
Sunday, August 10, 2003 12:50 a.m.

i actually feel like crying. NDP 2003.
i realised. i'm pretty singaporean! *smiles weakly*
i participated in ndp 2000 at padang. made lotsa really nice friends over there. i was one of the dance leaders. those who got trained to teach my own choir members. cool eh. ahaha. i think. YOU have GOT to get involved in ndp somehow, sweat it out and spit your weekends away to appreciate the day. the hardwork that goes into it. it's really nice. the choir's given so much attention this year. sheesh. and they're singing EXACTLY the same songs as we did 3 years ago. without any kind of remixing! i was there for the media briefing in 2000. i was like. school representative kinda thing. how happening. those were the days.
i... do love singapore. *raises both eyebrows* yesyes. i do. i think. at least. the people i love are all local!
Saturday, August 9, 2003 06:59 p.m.

to all the people who has words that no one listens to; who feel that one is but only a speck of dust in the cosmic of pretty, intelligent and lucky people, i bow.
sometimes people don't see what they do to you. that makes you feel even dumber cuz you fussed over something others didn't even bother to put it in their list of thoughts.
linda. there are people who love you. and who are in the same junior college life as you. (hint hint. me!) i'm drowning, i know. how it bites into you, i understand. *hugs* love ya lins. i'm always 8 numbers away.
so. i have a new layout! http://maudlina.pitas.com
i love it! studying later. argh.
Saturday, August 9, 2003 06:28 p.m.

having just (only just) recovered from a viral flu (a cooler name for common cold), i staggered to school in a red and white number. cool ain't it. i felt so patriotic. prasad insisted on wearing all black. looking goth in his monotone suit, he proclaimed himself to be remotely singaporean. yeah. his undies were red with a white line.
i declare prasad to be henceforth known as pussprick.
i went out with flo and amy to ikea for some nice salmon. heavens. my flu is coming back from all that trashy food. i realised chicken chop at Bliss restaurant at punggol park's delicious. see. how could i ever recover.
i took some pictures with florence and pussprick. later, i went shopping for my momma's present with pp till he threatened to break my limbs. yes. he even volunteered taxi fare as long as i promised to stop torturing him by letting him follow my around suntec to hunt for that PERFECT top for my mom.
so i had green tea icecream, and two side dishes with pp. we shared. he passed me his flu... and that's why i got it.
anyway. we were humming the 'Clueless' theme song... even to lins on the phone. it's funny. we were careless of how others viewed us. i insisted that pp held on to my evian bottle cuz i felt that he looked like a tourist with it (and he later willingly became the ambassador for evian singapore). of course, i needed a hand.
so pp was nice enough to have accompanied me here and there. THANK YOU STEVE! haha!
and my mom. bought her a sunflower, cardigan, and a topshop top which costs only sixteen bucks! i couldn't believe it. for a moment, i was attracted to the suspiciously transexual lady at the counter. i thought she was a male a few months back. she was so sexy. i don't know. she was soooo nice. pp just sighed and said i'm greedy as hell. i want EVERY gender. hur. nono pras. i'm still largely heterosexual.
my mom was really happy. she looked so cute in a picture we took. shall upload it soon but am too tired to do it. involves alot of work since darned pbase is failing me.
you guys will get to see pp soon! yeah. my clueless pal.
tired. shall study tomorrow. goodnight love.
Friday, August 8, 2003 11:31 p.m.

just had an econs lecture for the discovery fiesta today. having a headache and it has made me realise my dependency on caffeine. my head's pounding. it hurt so much i tried to put myself through some sleep-therapy during the lecture. um. yeah. i slept right before the lecturer. only 10minutes aight. it wasn't that bad but it was hardly entertaining my caffeine-deprived brain. yeah. i shall get some coffee later. contemplating asking one of my darlings out. i wonder if they're free...
anyway. last night online wasn't exactly a good time for me. i felt drained and weary. my replies were slow and conversations were filled with my one-sided suspicion of hostility. i don't know what exactly's wrong with me. can't i just be. normal? i'm getting to be like an paranoid puppy. damn. i just fear people would feel against me. convinced that there isn't much about me that others will appreciate. i've never been a truly people's person. and it's irritating. cuz i know i want to be. it seems to be an insatiable desire simply cuz. i can't even get it. and when my close friends all think that i'm a rather people's person, sorta like. pretty streetwise and sociable... i'm not. i know the problem is with inferiority. and sometimes people don't seem to understand why i'm so affected by what people say. it hurts so much to hear anything derogatory about myself. inferiority complex induced self protectionistic narcissism fuels my days. i'm a pathetic little thing. i can't manage people. i've never been well-liked. at least, not by groups of people.
now and then i try to delude myself by thinking that. not everyone in the world loves everyone else. and so why give a single fuck about this kinda stuff? i can't help it. maybe it's my personality or whatever. but i'm a crowd person. i like to know people, talk, laugh and find out about new stuff. am i behaving wrongly. i don't know. it's such a complicated puzzle to piece these days i've lost my grip of social skills.
Wednesday, August 6, 2003 11:42 a.m.

indulging in the novelty of studying. that's what i shall do. or should. above all that. "i'll prolly get into some private school and be hip, smoke pot and pierce my clit cuz i think it's cool." reality still thrives. was talking to prasad on how this eons we've spent so far will be a waste if we flunk. 'A's seems to be the thing that we worked so hard for.
i hope it's not too late. shall start now.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 11:27 p.m.

it's been long. yes. went out for sushi with pussprickpras, a casual attempt to show some skill of alliteration and of course, my ever cheesy creativity, and studied a lil at burgerking. it was fine. but i ought to do more later.
suddenly. i realised i'm a rather greedy person. despite the fact that i CAN bring myself to eat when i'm ALREADY full, i want the best of both worlds. get this.
i like gay men. not the bisexual kind who draw a line between their liking for men and women. but the kind who truely doesn't like women but only likes. um. me? it's never meant to be i know. good lord this liking's plain carnal. or maybe not. hmmm.
besides liking gay men, i like men men and butches and. girls too. hah. i've covered the whole spectrum here. love the world, i would say. race, colour and gender hinders no equality to me.
only lameass shitheads who hoax you online or saturate your brain with malapropism or have a mind narrower than pamela anderson's cleavage are eligible to top the list of NEGLIGIBLE FUCKERS. yeah.
so. i've not been doing much these few days. prelims in a few weeks. it's nerve-wrecking.
not much of thoughts these days. other than the fact that. it's ironic how some people treat the people who stab them at the back like no one's business better than those who truly care.
it's a weird world. oh. and prasad's opinion of my liking of gay men's. i'm weird.
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 09:55 p.m.

the incident that happened online yesterday proved to me that some guys online are
1) twerts.
2) without the right respect for ladies.
3) egotistically egoistic morons.
4) presumptuous.
5) desperate.
6) ignorant.
7) narcissistic.
8) confident without cause.
9) boastful of their limited vocabularly.
10) bad at listening.
this irritated me so much i called prasad right after and whined a loadful outta my heart. having only told two people about it, it was unanimous that this guy's sick to the dick. sheesh.
k and ct were absent today. short day... hm. i shall study tonight. blessed are you.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003 06:18 p.m.

oh update.
he's this person i know who keeps switching handphone numbers and even his own name. sometimes he's called f****** and sometimes n*******. he bugged me to meet him some time back but i rejected. imagine meeting someone at your void deck. it's a menacing thought. he said i pissed him off and played a trick on me.
and i've got to tell him. i don't know many who drive. while narrowing my list of suspects to 2, he was the 1st.

apparently, that guy claims he knows about my past. he said i've had flings and scandals with guys. asked me if i were a virgin. all, i denied. i'm puzzled. so who is he? not as if i really am bothered. but he said he'd call when he drives pass sengkang. i'm wondering who would dare to claim that i've been such a woman? i've never had a fling before. come on. i rejected the cutest guy i thought was on earth cuz he wasn't into commitment. i realised that he might have said all that to make me confess that i'm not a virgin? but it doesn't bug me. i'm pretty frank to people who ask. so that's not a big thing.
the scary part's that. he has my home number. hmmm.

i don't usually post my mIRC conversations up here. but this guy irked the hell outta me.
`nitecar> hmm. u njoy poetry? whoise ur fav poet? :)
Maudlina> um.
Maudlina> a few.
carcharm> lik.....?
Maudlina> dorothy parker.
carcharm> n..???
Maudlina> robert frost
Maudlina> emily dickinson
Maudlina> adrienne rich.
Maudlina> anne sexton.
carcharm> robert frost wrote...sumthing prominent.. hmm... wat abt.. kanot remember..
carcharm> is it.. to c the world in a grain of sand???
carcharm> is it.. to c the world in a grain of sand???
Maudlina> not sure. can't remember.
carcharm> yap... i tink so..
carcharm> u super laggin..
carcharm> tho u like robert frost?? kkeekle
Maudlina> my brain's saturated with history not.
Maudlina> now*
carcharm> ic..
Maudlina> robert frost. i remember doing my first of his piece in secondary 3...
carcharm> care to intro n chat then?
Maudlina> i fell in love.
Maudlina> haha
Maudlina> what a clumsy way to start a conversation ain't it.
carcharm> like... wat piece??
Maudlina> you sound rather. "#teens"-ish
Maudlina> the one. about. argh. i can't remember.
carcharm> wahhaa.. mi not teenager..
carcharm> do i look teenager? kekek
carcharm> wahhaa... dare not accept..
carcharm> aru a confident gal??
Maudlina> why?
carcharm> jsu wondering...
Maudlina> i just find you rather. ah. the way you ask for conversation is cheesy.
Maudlina> it's just a comment. don't take it seriously.
carcharm> i wanted to look for a poetic gal to chat abt poetry.... but.. ur poetic knowledge... limited.. so jus intro n chat.. real life topics..lor.. whahaha..
Maudlina> limited poetic knowledge
Maudlina> you mean. knowledge of limited poets
Maudlina> or limited knowledge of poets?
Maudlina> cuz. i.. don't suppose i have limited poetic knowledge.
carcharm> u say... u like robert frost.. but kannot even remeber one of his works??
carcharm> hmm.... its like.. i telll u.. i njoy shakespeare, william blake,oscar wilde wordsworth etc...
Maudlina> i don't have to remember every poets poems right?
carcharm> but kanot recite or remember their works by hart...
Maudlina> what's the problem with that
carcharm> jus a poetry posuer.. dats all. :)
Maudlina> do you write
carcharm> yes... i do
carcharm> u?
carcharm> aru beri young???
Maudlina> show,'
carcharm> aru beri young???
Maudlina> i'm a human. not some sort of berry.
carcharm> I am the delightful paradox,
carcharm> All the world is my stage.
carcharm> I Set new trails ablaze,
carcharm> I seek the unattainable,
carcharm> & try the untried.
carcharm> I dance to life' music in gay abandon,
carcharm> come wif mi on my carousel ride,
carcharm> see the myriads of colours, the flickering lights,
carcharm> all hail me as the passion of life.....
carcharm> What am I then? I am...cogito ergo sum!
carcharm> Go figure. :) Wahahaana...
carcharm> u mind singlish??
Maudlina> and if you think age is a platform where you can stand on and point your finger at me and tell me i'm a poseur with an eu instead of an ue in case you embarrass yourself further before others with such bad spelling, i guess you are, rather. ignorant.
Maudlina> oh. fact is. i do mind singlish. yes.
carcharm> so aru a ang mo?? or a SPG wannabe?
carcharm> *LOL
Maudlina> what a stereotypical poet we have here.
Maudlina> what is your understanding of a paradox?
carcharm> i nv said.. i m a famous poet.. but at least i aspire n try to write as passion dictates..
Maudlina> i don't get you here now.
Maudlina> i.. didn't judge you as a famous poet. i didn't judge you by your poetry.
Maudlina> i commented on what you said.
Maudlina> a great descartes quote there. a rather pleasing poem. but only by a poet who, i now can see the paradox, has an enclosed mind what clings on stereotypes while proclaiming the wonder of free thoughts.
carcharm> wahaha... i noe ur jus pissed.. i burst ur aloft n condescending pride..
carcharm> wahhaa.... all man n woman have prejudiced preception//.. I not failing..
Maudlina> burst my pride. oh. you see some kind of victory here?
carcharm> u seem like a prideful but not veri self self assured gal... aru?
carcharm> u young rite???
Maudlina> =) run along my love. find the girl who is literate with poetic treasures.
Maudlina> and only if you'd read what you said again,
Maudlina> you would understand. fare thee well.

the conversation continues. he's prolly trying to gather enough information to refute my words later. it's funny, how these men can survive in the world. yes.
and maybe i've been too rash or furiated that i've made a fool outta myself. be a judge.
i leave, thus, with,
carcharm> i noe a coward... when i c one.. byez.. most irc gal facades crumble when i put them to the test!... ekeke
... ... ... carcharm> * I luv a adventurous n confident lady.. :)
i got this only when i calmed myself down for a more than normal provision of information. i sense that he thinks i've admitted a defeat.
why do men like submissive women?
Monday, July 28, 2003 07:25 p.m.

an idea:
* Maudlina spews floral patterned blood
cheshire> hehehe
Maudlina> my friend and i were thinking abt having floral patterned sunscreen
cheshire> ... even your blood spewing ahs to be artistic... whattt only
Maudlina> when you apply, floral patterns will show
Maudlina> and with the suntan, you'll make your skin an art piece!
Maudlina> and the slogan for the ad will be
Maudlina> "because we suntan!"
Maudlina> aaahahhahahaha
cheshire> *smacks head*
cheshire> delirious
cheshire> completely and utterly delirious
most uncanny for a photosensitive me. hurrr.
so the weekend was spent, quiet and all lazy. gotta rush a lit essay. i'll type it out!!! it's been long since i did that.
i found a lost earring today. i lost it at a club. i thought i did, a few months back. today, while packing up all that pile of clothes off my chair, i found one of it. i thought. "damn. i lost the other. what a waste." it was a pretty piece, a present from serene last christmas. i was looking for my choker with a purple stone. i found the other earring. i was shocked. "oh my god." the only arrangement of words i could manage in that state of shock. for a second, i thought i dropped the found piece back in and that the supposed pair i found was only one. then. i brought the other side together. i had a pair. i found a pair of earrings i thought i dropped on a dancefloor. i call it, divine intervention. the time and chance. how uncanny. eerie. spooky. ahhh.
and the thing's that, i dreamt of it 2 days ago.
Sunday, July 27, 2003 08:40 p.m.

i'm feeling a lil down on the mood scale again. i'm still a kid. so i guess. it's called angst.
in a wrap of self-inferiority and disillusionment. such a mix further convinces that the shit i'm feeling is prolly angst. urh. yeah. i wonder how i'd feel when i'm a grown up. somehow. after all that spending and squandering escapades, the issue of "making ends meet" has stuck me. my parents can no longer sustain the provision. they brought me up like a brat, not because we were rich or anything. but they always gave me (and my brother) the best they could and scrimped on themselves. and when SOL and paycheck tilts in ratio, i've landed into deep shit. i can't control much. i spent 4k of my savings on things i've prolly thrown away. guilt. and. now that my handphone's turning its back against me, a kinda. frustration. from that kinda restriction that i never realised. and when i see those people around me, stashing on mambo bags, new handphones and all others for no reason, i ache inside. and i finally have gotten to know how important money is. my parents are having a hard time. family savings facing a deficit. it's bad. my mom and dad's worried. while they try to provide us with everything as they did, they're slowly losing the capability to. and as the kind, thoughtful daughter i always am. i've no grudges about waiting for a new handphone. i can't call out. and my phone switches off itself. i'm in no haste to get a new mobile. i'll just wait. and let my mom manage. it's painful to see them struggle. and if my dad didn't bet on horses and stuff like that, we'd most prolly have a greater deficit. my brother seems a lil. oblivious about these. he has grown to reject my mom's claims. i admit. my mom's sometimes too dogmatic. too self-confident for room for discussion. but there are some things that we should understand. my brother's still spending quite a lot. i'm trying to eat at home... and keep my expenditure down. at this point of my writing, i feel like crying. and if i don't score for 'A's, gosh.
just hope that things get better. and most importantly, that my brother manages to graduate with full modules. NUS is screwed up for reasons i find too complicated to place here. my blog's about me anyway. grrr.
Saturday, July 26, 2003 01:37 p.m.

great. so acjc won last night for the best jc chooir thingie. so... hmmm. i still haven't been studying. black tea box has officially become my fave hangout from. yesterday. i wanna meet rei soon. argh.
my tag board's cranky. hur. and anyway. um. i'm feeling rather tired at the moment. but i've got class soon. sheesh. can't they just let us rest on this freaking college day? it's irritating. prasad is there commenting on films. gotta be something lusty. hurrr.
he's such a himbo.
Friday, July 25, 2003 02:38 p.m.

i hate the computers in school. they're so incompetent, they can't freaking show css codes and iframes with transparent bgcolor. it's crap i tell you. prolly time to upgrade the coms, aye?
so i'm in school now. prasad told me this morning that he couldn't surf my page properly. the 1024 browser settings screwed up my page. my school has the 800 one. idiotic i tell ya. wassup with them. who uses windows98 anyway. and they said the IT industry ousts anything older than 5 years old. happy birthday windows98. it's time to retire!
we're not having history tutorials again. he's such a slacker. and he makes us copy notes word for word. i miss her. ah. we had this racial harmony crossword today during civics. i'm surprised to know that the most. unmalay malays i know know more than those mosque-ish malays. hah. it's weird i tell ya. weird.
so i heard rei's greeting message as i was calling her this morning to ask her about the rebana. she sounds so freaking cute in the voice message! pre-teenish concoction of sultry and innocence. hahaha. aight. i know you're reading this rei. i know you are.
was signing up for this discovery fiesta thing. (that explains my logging on to this dumb ass school system) apparently, i didn't register properly. hey. can't blame me for this freaky school system which's so darn slow right? i clicked "check out" and left. and... it seems that. i had to wait for that bloody page to load, THEN log out. i was running for class, missy!
bliss awaits me. i'm excited about tonight. somehow, the cancellation of history tutorial has allowed me more time to get back home, change, and head out. will be meeting mel. weee. happy happy happy.
i miss serene. juls. lings. and rei. it's in descending order of the amount of time passed since i last met em. i like the craziness when i'm out with rei! weee. gotta so study next week with her. damn. now she thinks i'm in love or something. *grin*
Thursday, July 24, 2003 11:31 a.m.

i slumped into a rather depressed mood this morning. practical criticism for literature came at the right time. i made myself a lil worthier in class today. and i'm happy.
today i missed physical education cuz of this. investiture thing. basically, it's just the succession of the service cca posts by the j1s. it lasted an hour. so my double period pe was made obselete. life's good for now.
so went for lunch with fish at burger king. bought some white bobby pins and blue bands for the hair. i'm so. approved ain't i. i've gotta study a lil later. yeah. imma imma imma.
tomorrow will be the syf finals for jc choirs! weee. i'm elated. gotta print some scores for a friend. it's nice. it's at the esplanade! beat that.
Wednesday, July 23, 2003 06:54 p.m.

such boredom. delusion. procrastination. and thus, i wait as time passes me by. oblivion numbs all great epiphany.
i'm waiting for a call. have been long. ah. what should i do. silas marner? maybe. but as i contemplate, i'd spill my guts out, if not gutter. oh. derek called me last night. it came as a surprise. he seems to call me annually. yes. i'm serious. he, apparently lost a good 10kg and is a 00 a month lifeguard studying music. sounds pretty interesting isn't it. but he's a prudish guy who shuns sex like a flower shuns the dry wind of autumn. it makes it difficult to talk to him. it is when thus happens that i realise the amount of allusions, pun, connotations and innuendo sunk in my daily speech.
and i woke up at 4am this morning to finish k's essay. ahhh. i completed it. but i'm feeling so drained now. tomorrow shall be my napfa. death awaits thee!
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 09:06 p.m.

there's something i really need to let off my chest. my status as a puny lil student in this society reduces my clamour to a casual ranting in a personal blog. here's it.
recently, the bus service has scraped off 97 and 85. buses that go from sengkang, hougang to the west. it coincides with the nel. now i'm forced to take a train to school.
you know how they frighten you with such innocent honesty? the train might break down once every two months. i was wondering. what would happen if i was on my way to school during my 'A's and the train stalled. i'll be stuck in a freaking tunnel for an hour or more. the thrill of it? me missing 'A's. that was a rather frightful thought. or maybe they never saw people from my area who go all the way to st andrew's jc.
the thing is that, in fact, a good load of us are staying around this area. sas is in potong pasir. and it's. along the way of 97. despite the train service, i still see familiar faces on the morning bus ride. people are still more comfortable taking the bus i guess. at least i know i am. it's really crappy. i can't even tune in to the radio from now on. besides the fact that i'd be on my mp3 burning craze, taking the nel incurs more cost.
their tyrannical coercion to make us take the nel is sick. almost perverse. almost communistic in nature. deprivation of choice. yes. deprivation of a say - i was just about to touch on that.
they had documentaries showing how they go around asking people's opinions for this alteration of bus services along nel. it was perfectly disputed, that was the masses word. but the bus services shall be altered with effect from next monday. you know. if nothing's gonna be changed, we should just shut up. stop chucking a microphone into our faces, wanting a "comment" when it really should be more of a feedback and later putting us off. it just makes us more frustrated. it's like. asking a kid if he wants candy and telling him to go brush his teeth instead. wave the candy before the kid, let him whine and cry and finally smother the poor baby to death to shut him up. neat.
school today was rather smooth sailing. adri gave what, in my opinion, was a presentation good enough. flo and ting and edwin didn't get barred after all. oh. i realised i wasn't in the list. they've got to present the viking dublin. it was a day of bliss when claudine tan helped us through the chaucer presentation. but. i don't know a thing about econs, at least what they're currently teaching. R walked out of lecture cuz we didn't prepare for her revision lecture. she was comparing us to the top five jc kids and how far they already are in revision. i think. we're all pretty occupied by lit stuff at the moment and history, especially R's becomes a second. hey. at least we do her tutorials. but. it made me realise how late we are into the school year. prasad and i were trying to convince each other than we'll flunk 'A's. had such a talk with rei too. somehow. it just might be a blessing in disguise.
jc was the only decision in my life, till now, that wasn't totally under my control. at that time, i couldn't really have gone otherwise. parental pressure and, i guess peer pressure. not the juvenile thing like. holding hands with yor best friend and going to the same cubicle that kinda thing. but. it was that in my secondary school, there weren't many who went poly. jc seemed to be a goal inscribed into our heads by our principal and teachers. i guess. at that time. i had the mentality that. "if not jc, then what?" it was only till the middle of last year when i realised what i really wanted to do was design. too late for that. i'm not even taking art now. grief, as it is. but i'd have to live with it. 'A's not far away anyway.
"it can't be long now."
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 04:35 p.m.

what shall i say. tis an official launch of my new blog layout! credits. the greatest, has to go to rei. *kiss thank you so much!
i'm officially barred from lit classes. yes. miss k. so much for showing me semblance of what was simple teacher-student liking. i didn't get to know about an assignment because... me and flo was just not in the hype. in the clique. it's like. we're pretty neglected by the rest of the class. our clique consists of people who dropped lit or skips school perpetually. yes prasad. no need to feel guilty about my barricade from class. it's alright. she's just being all too grouchy. i guess. it was a bad day for her.
to think she tore fish's gp notes. she was copying stuff on human genome project. stuff she did an hour of research on. kc told k that she was doing other work during a gp lecture. and she got screwed from head to toe by k. it's. ridiculous. she was doing extra work for the lecture and it got torn up. sheesh.
i've got lotsa lit stuff to do. claudine's presentation on sin, essay for k and. of course. preparation for north and viking dublin. yeah. i'm so gonna die tonight. amen.
Monday, July 21, 2003 09:34 p.m.

yes. i've finally got my stuff together. this new blog page's rather elating. went out with rei today. citylink. crapped a lot. studied a little. wee. i'll be back soon.
Sunday, July 20, 2003 10:18 p.m.

hello everyone. new blog. thanks.